The apartment was furnished, but I was on the floor with everything I had picked up that day (textbooks, various materials, forms, a blank lesson book, a copy of The First Days of School by Harry Wong) spread out on the floor around me. I was absolutely despairing. I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I remembered one of my managers from Target telling me that she had left teaching and made more money with less stress as an assistant manager. She had urged me to do the same, and at that moment, I was wondering if I should just go back to Janelle and the girls that night and walk into Target the next morning asking for my job back.
I looked out the sliding door that led to our tiny balcony. Across the street was a service station that sold alcohol. I had never drank, but at that moment, I was the most tempted to do so than at any other point in my life. Honestly, I think that it was my inexperience in knowing how to go about buying alcohol (not to mention my awareness of just how low our finances were) that kept me dry. Had there been a drop of alcohol in that empty apartment, I would have drank it.
Instead, I started working. I wrote down plans my classes on the first day, and I read Harry Wong's book from cover to cover. I would then change those first day plans and make my first draft of my "I am not your friend" speech. In the next few days, I would work out what I wanted to do for the day after that and get some ideas from strangers (my coworkers) who would become some of my best friends.
I did not think I would make it to, let alone through, year four as a teacher which I knew to statistically be the year of decision for most teachers as to whether they will leave or stay with the profession. Here I am with 24 school years of experience about to embark on my 25th. I won't get a pin or any special consideration for this year; I have moved school districts too often for that. Still, I feel a weighty significance for this coming year.
I no longer feel like despairing at the beginning of a school year. Certainly, there are still some nerves akin to stage-fright and concerns about what may or may not happen, but they are almost completely dampened by my enthusiasm for the coming year and my love for the students (most of whom I haven't even met yet). I hold nothing against the managers at Target, but all things considered, I'm in a much better profession.