We only have access to the Internet for a little while as we prepare to raft down the Kenai, so I’m just going to post some pictures from yesterday.
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I submitted a significantly revised draft of my proposal this afternoon. My original schedule had me submitting it by June 28. However, the changes required were taking me longer than I expected--even if my primary rule for research is "it always takes longer than you think it will." I then hoped to have it by Friday, July 3rd, but despite putting 40 hours that week, I still did not get it done. I kept watching this past week as I missed my self-created temporary extensions get knocked back farther and farther. Yesterday, I finally got my proposal to the point that I felt I could turn it in, but I spent today double-checking and filling some holes that I found.
Now, there have been other distractions during this time, particularly some home improvement issues, helping the boys with their summer "homework," Nerf wars, picking out music for mass, etc. It also hasn't helped that I've developed a tendency to get a section of work done and then check my phone for news or Facebook posts (which require much less mental concentration). Still, I had not allowed myself to even play short video games (with the exception of one break day) since I missed the first self-imposed deadline. My committee chair has ten days to review and comment on my proposal (he usually has it done within a week). I should have everything checked off at this point, so it will then go to my second committee member for review. Based on changes I make from their recommendations, I hope to have the University Research Reviewer's approval before school starts. I am desperate to get this proposal done this summer. If I can get it through final review board approval, I can work on collecting data from my proposed research project in the fall, have the final write-up of my dissertation completed before the end of winter break, successfully defend it by February, and get final approval to publish (and thus become Doctor Paul Marks) before that winter term is done. For now, I'm going to take a bit of a break to do some camping and rafting before working on my research instrumentation--something I need for my dissertation, but can work on while my proposal is being reviewed. We stopped going on walks with our dogs several months back (there was still snow) when one of the dogs from across the street was loose and attacked Starbuck (while we were still on our driveway), going directly for her neck. Despite the dog looking like the black wolf from my childhood nightmares (thank you so much for that, Disney's version of Peter and the Wolf), I tackled the it, holding tightly to the ruff of its neck and pinning it to the ground. Its owner came up with another dog of a similar breed that was also growling and barking but was at least leashed. Unfortunately, Starbuck broke free from her collar and started running around barking, leading to more confusion.
While both we and our neighbor were finally able to corral our dogs and get them back home, and Starbuck's injuries were largely superficial, we have not wanted to take them out with us again, or even walk on our own. Despite the neighbor's apologies, that dog (or its look-alike) have been loose in their yard on multiple occasions. Between that and the local bear and moose, it's been easy to decide not to go out for a walk. Recently, Janelle has been willing to do the walk again; although, without the dogs due to the issue with the dogs across the street. Our walks have been going a bit farther than we had before, and we've used them as an excuse to further explore the roads around our area. Although they take up a good chunk of time, they've not only given us exercise, but time to just talk with each other ... and Connor, who usually wants to ride his bike with (and around, and ahead) of us. I hope that this is a habit that we will continue for as long as the roads are decent to walk on. In an interesting twist, today I learned that I need to use first person when referring to myself in my dissertation. Up until this point, I had been using "the researcher" when referencing myself, but I found that term specifically cited in the writing center as something not to do as part of APA 7. Thus, all of that time spent learning to avoid using first person in academic works is causing my brain to overload with this contradiction.
Nor is that the only writing convention that has required some adjustment on my part. The one that bothers me the most is that I'm supposed to sum up my chapters by describing what I had already written in the chapter by saying things such as "I then demonstrated how the conceptual frameworks of TAM and the theory of gamified learning influence my research questions." I hate writing like that, and try so hard to break my students of that sort of essay narration. Yet, for dissertations, it's the expected form. I'm going to be so glad when this is done. After two days of work (three if you count clearing out the old tiles), we finally have decent flooring in our hallway. This was my first experience in putting in flooring, so it’s not the prettiest job ever, but it looks so much better than what was there before—which was falling apart before we moved in. I’m exhausted now and behind on some of my other work, so I’m cutting this post short and just including some then (which I have only due to the obstacle course that the boys made) and now pictures.        I was recently told--again--that I am arrogant. I chose not to reply, but I think that it's pretty clear to anyone who has known me for a while that I absolutely am arrogant. While I keep most of my conversations in the confessional between just myself and my priest, I will say that my struggles in dealing with arrogance is a frequent topic that I bring up. In direct line with that, I also struggle with believing that people who disagree with me are absolute idiots. I feel that I've improved in both areas, but I still have a great deal of work to do.
However, some of what people think is arrogance on my part is not actually an exaggeration of my abilities; it is what I am truly capable of doing and knowing. I've been snidely asked, "You think you're so smart, don't you?" The honest answer is "Yes." This is not exaggeration on my part; it is fact. There are few tests I have taken in my life where I did not score in the 99th percentile (unfortunately, one was the PSAT where I only scored in the 92nd percentile because I followed a teacher's test-taking strategy advice of not guessing on answers that I wasn't certain were correct). Still, I can't figure out a Rubik's Cube without looking up the patterns online. I've also met my share of idiots over the years. I get especially irritated at people who are smart and capable enough to know better, yet who continually fall for the same stupid misinformation time and time again ("A wizard should know better!"). Yet I also have to be careful to not fall into the trap of believing that people who think differently than me are stupid. It is in underestimating an "opponent" that I find myself in the most awkward situations. I also have a pretty good understanding of my weaknesses. Sometimes, it takes a while to convince Janelle of those weaknesses (although she's sometimes quick to point out others), especially when it involves fixing something (such as the roof or the shower drain) that is beyond my skill or ability. There are some skills that I know I need to practice more, and some areas where I realize that I am completely out of my depth. Probably, the biggest issue with my arrogance is my hero complex. I want to be able to fix everyone's problems, save the world, etc., and thus often step into situations that I have no real means to improve. In a similar vein, I love knowing things and sharing what I know. Yet, it turns out that not everyone wants to hear what I've learned, no matter how interesting it might be to me. This is especially true if I have come to a conclusion that they have not yet realized or would prefer to deny. This is likely something that I will struggle with until my dying day. Still, I'm working on it. It's just so hard when there are so many stupid people out there, and I'm so awesome. While I was writing one of my blog posts last week, Connor asked me what this website was about, so I gave him a tour. By the time we got to the "Fictional Writings" tab, Rowen had joined us. Both boys were interested in the page that is labeled "Star Wars: Episode II: Descent into Darkness." I explained to them that I had written a screenplay with the help of friends and students after Episode I had come out and tried sending it to George Lucas (three times). The screenplay picks up about ten years after Episode I and addressed many of the concerns that we had about the first of the Prequels.
I opened the document to some of my favorite parts and read them to the boys. They gave all of the appropriate reactions. They loved it when Amidala said "Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi; you're my only hope." They liked the idea that the Clone Wars were about clones that were replacing people and being bred as armies to attack planets in the Republic. Connor thought it was good that we had Anakin return to Tatooine to free the slaves as he had promised in the first movie. Both boys liked Nerez, our villainess (to whom the later-created Ventress from the Clone Wars cartoon series bears a certain resemblance--including dual-wielding lightsabers; my villainess predates her by about three years) and reacted appropriately when she taunted Anakin after killing his mother. The boys both thought it was a good idea that we had Anakin use the nickname "Old Man" for Obi-wan after I explained that it makes the line from the original movie "Your powers have grown weak, old man" have a deeper meaning. They liked that we had a dance scene as part of Anakin and Amidala falling in love (there's no bizarre "Jedi can't marry" rule in our version). They thought the ending, with an audience filled with Sith followers chanting "Vader! Vader!" as the screen goes to black was a nice touch. However, the scene that we discussed the most was the point where Palpatine shows the audience that he is trying to twist Anakin to the Dark Side. I'm particularly proud of this scene. Anakin had just been raised to the rank of Jedi Knight even though he had recently dipped briefly into the Dark Side when he tried to get revenge on Nerez after she killed his mother (Nerez managed to escape). This is a bit long, but I feel it is worth it. The entire script (pardon the formatting issues) can be found here. PALPATINE: How did the proceedings go? ANAKIN: They raised me to Jedi Knight. PALPATINE: They should not have. [There is some anger in his tone, all the more menacing since he does not raise his voice.] What you did was beyond dangerous. ANAKIN: Chancellor? PALPATINE: Perhaps the Council was correct in not trusting you. You have no control and are dangerous because of it. You lashed out wildly in anger as no Jedi should. Can you not see that path leads to evil? ANAKIN: [Deeply disturbed.] She died because I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t think of anything except striking back. [PALPATINE moves forward and puts a hand on Anakin in a fatherly manner.] PALPATINE: Your hatred can consume and destroy you. You must not let your emotions take control. [Pause for emphasis.] You must take control of them. You must learn to take your anger and concentrate it, to sharpen your hatred to a keen edge which you can use. Your emotions are a tool, and a powerful one. With them you can accomplish anything. ANAKIN: [He seems caught in the emotion of Palpatine’s speech, but he stops himself and shakes his head.] I can feel that power. He returns Palpatine’s gaze. But none of the Jedi, [He realizes that he is now a Jedi] . . . of the other Jedi, have made any mention of this "anger, fear, aggression" are tools of evil and must be avoided at all costs. PALPATINE: That is an effective mantra for the ignorant and the weak. It keeps them safe from themselves. The dark side is not evil. [He has thought of an example.] Can you stop yourself from hating? From becoming angry? From laughing? [He smiles widely.] From loving? [A pause.] Of course not--these emotions are all a part of you, a part of each of us. Just as the Force is in each of us. The Council knows this to be the truth. ANAKIN: [Introspective.] They hide this from me because they fear me. PALPATINE: And well they should. The dark path is dangerous, and not for the weak. One must ride the razor’s edge to survive. If you allow your emotions to carry you away, you will be lost forever. Focus. Focus is needed. [PALPATINE walks to a window and looks out, he is smiling when Skywalker cannot see him.] PALPATINE: I understand the council’s hesitation, but you are the chosen one. You, of all Jedi, must know the true nature of the Force. That is why I have trained you in secret. [PALPATINE turns back to Anakin. His face regal.] PALPATINE: You have a grand destiny ahead of you. [Pause.] I have foreseen it. Today's Gospel has Jesus telling us "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." As our pastor pointed out in his homily, this idea seems to contradict some what we know about the difficult path that Christianity seems to take. In fact, it seems to contradict some of His own expressions concerning the harsh steps needed to follow Him and the narrow opportunities for entering heaven.
Our pastor told us that this was Jesus telling us that His path is the one that leads to true happiness. While many people seek happiness for the sake of happiness, those who follow Jesus tend to find happiness and be more content with their lives. As hard as it might be to fight our own sinful natures, doing so makes our lives easier and happier in the long run. I reflected on this in light of my work on my dissertation. This week, I put in more than 40 hours of screen and book time trying to learn more about qualitative analysis and to use that information to make revisions to my proposal. I found myself continually distracted. It was "easier" to read up on the news, or make comments on social media, or to watch the construction going on in my yard than it was to focus my mind and continue work on this massive undertaking. Yet those "easy" distractions made my life more difficult. The weight of this project affects me mentally and financially the longer it takes to get done. My yoke would be easier and my burden lighter if I could keep myself focused on what seems to be the more difficult task. This is true in many aspects of our lives. So often, we look for shortcuts to success, love, or respect that end up causing us more trouble down the road. So often, we are rewarded when make honest efforts to improve ourselves and the world around us. Christ has given us tasks that appear hard, but that actually lift weights off our shoulders and shackles from our bodies. Yesterday morning, the work crew (which ranged from one to three men at any given point in time) brought in an excavator to start "eating" trees like a metallic dinosaur. A little after noon, the lead called to ask that we not use our drains (including toilets) for the next couple of hours. By three, they had removed the old tank, put in the two new ones, and gave us the go ahead to use our plumbing again. Today, the returned early in the morning to "eat" more trees and finish with the leach field. Due to a larger than average boulder, they had to adjust their plan and put the leach field in another direction. They were done by 5 pm. Especially when compared to the mess made from the last time a leach field was put in, they did an amazing job. I really appreciated that the lead was willing to talk me through any of the questions I as well as some overall explanations about the project (such as how he put in ten feet of gravel where the previous field only had gravel a foot and a half deep). I have to admit that I have not gotten as much work done on my dissertation as I had planned as I was mesmerized by the process--especially as they were dealing with trees. I'd say that I was like a young boy in my enthusiasm, but my own young boys were not all that enthused. I kept calling them over to the windows only to get a "... that's neat ..." and then return to whatever they were doing. The yard looks both significantly different, and yet not terribly strange. With the trees knocked out, we now have more usable yard. Unfortunately, we lost a portion of the parking spot for our cabin as well. The entire area can still use some clean-up and some smoothing, but I'm really happy with how it turned out. I'm especially excited to have a system where I'm not concerned that the next load of laundry might be the one that backs the system up. My sons have decided that Thursdays will include at least one "Nerf War." We have thus far done this twice. Connor came up with the most of the rules; although we have added some as the need has arisen. The basic concept is that each player has 10 health points. When shot, they lose one health point and must return to their "spawn point." If they are shot before they get back to their spawn point, they do not lose a health point. Similarly, if they shoot anyone on their way back to spawn, it does not reduce the health points of the person who is shot. The boys (primarily Connor) set up "forts" using chairs and blankets that they strategically place around our kitchen, dining room, and living room.
Our first Nerf War included both the upstairs and downstairs, but found that the stairs provided too daunting of a choke point. Rowen and I allied ourselves so that we could better assault Connor and Trevor downstairs. I also used a bit of deception by acting as though Rowen had backstabbed me and taken my last point (I even used the line "Curse your sudden, but inevitable, betrayal") to lure the other boys up the stairs. ... It worked. However, Rowen won the overall war. Today, we stayed down in the dining and kitchen areas. Each corner had a base which provided our spawn points. We had to include the rule that you could not shoot the same person twice in a row (a rule that Rowen kept forgetting) until we were down to only two players. Trevor's position proved to be the most defendable because Rowen, Connor, and I were able to shoot each other through our defences. Thus, Trevor emerged victorious today. I don't know if I'm up to doing this every week as I've already turned the same ankle on both occasions during some of my headlong charges (which have been surprisingly effective). Still, the boys are really enjoying it, and it does get us to physically interact in a relatively light-hearted competitive manner. We may take this outside when we don't have guests (or massive holes in our yard), but I'm not looking forward to the following Nerf Dart hunt. Although I understand that media organizations need to capture people's attention in order to get them to read or watch what the information that they present, an issue with many messages out there is that they get overstated to a point that they cross the lines of believability. This is especially true for memes and other user-generated content which tends to overstate in order to be heard in through the cacophony of the Internet. Unfortunately, this leads to a number of problems, one of the most important being that some people will completely discredit all information on the subject because it has been overstated. We are seeing this today in so many issues: COVID, BLM, climate change, and Russia's interference in U.S. politics to name some of the bigger ones from this year.
I've seen a meme recently that equated the spread of COVID to a group of people working on projects; one person brings glitter, and now all of the projects have glitter on them. Similarly, I've seen good-intentioned people make generalizations such as people are choosing between haircuts and their deaths. In both of these cases (and many that are similar) the use of overstatement is meant to capture people's attention, but it instead leads people who are already prone to disagree with the argument a credible reason to say that misinformation is being spread. COVID doesn't spread like suggested in the glitter meme. Even if a person with COVID were to be a part of a gathering, there are a number of factors that both increase and decrease the chances of people getting it from that exposure. Although COVID has been proven to spread significantly faster than the flu or common cold, practices such as wearing a mask (especially if it's the person with the virus), thoroughly washing hands (especially before eating or after using a public restroom), and avoiding touching the face will all reduce the chances of catching COVID. Nor will COVID kill everyone who gets it. Perhaps it's the fault movies and TV shows that deal with diseases--particularly zombie movies--but many people in our society see diseases as instantly infectious and almost always fatal (without a last minute cure delivered by the hero). This leads to overstatements such as the one about the choice between getting a haircut or dying. COVID deniers point to the many haircuts that have safely taken place and mark the whole thing off as a hoax. Even top ranking officials have pointed to the current daily death count (which is lower now than in April) to make it seem like everything is over despite the rising number of cases. They forget that it usually several weeks from the point of COVID infection of fighting the disease before people die from it. They also forget that many of the increased cases are currently in younger people who are less likely to die from the disease; it's when those younger people infect their elderly or immunocompromised friends and family who are significantly more susceptible to dying from COVID that the death rates start to rise again. Because this isn't like a zombie story where if a person is bitten or scratched they will always become infected and will die (and become one of the undead), people are having problems dealing with a slower, not-quite-as-lethal, but still terribly serious disease like COVID. We humans don't have the attention span to realize that increasing infection rates today mean high death rates (not tomorrow) in about another month. As the overstatements are not proven to be true, people begin to lose faith in the entire concept. I'll end here before I overstate the power of overstatements. The boys are getting better at playing badminton. Sure, watching them try to serve can still be painful at times, but we had a number of good volleys going today. Unfortunately, our already limited space for playing is going to be much smaller for a while due to the landscaping as part of the septic replacement--which should start tomorrow.
We still have the frisbee golf and bocce ball (as well as our regular exercises) to give us outdoor recreation and give all of us some time away from our screens. Connor, in particular, has become obsessed with building a fort using the logs that we've cut as part of our tree removal. Personally, I think that he just wants an excuse to practice his axe skills that he learned at Scout Camp last year. Between outdoor games, regular yard work, and our tree-felling project, we've been outside a good amount so far this year. We also have the bug bites to prove it. With the weather looking like it will be quite nice in the upcoming forecast (if a bit too warm for my tastes), we will hopefully get in even more time outside. Today launched into a type of "If You Give a Moose a Muffin" sort of home project. I've mentioned the strange mold and apparent water damage in our upstairs linen closet before. The closest is in the top eastern corner of our house, and we found that the bottom portion of its eastern corner was damp and moldy. The damp and mold had transferred to several boxes of fabric that Janelle had stored there. I have not been eager to clean out the room, cut away the drywall, and discover the source of the problem. I've been concerned that it might be due to a slow leak of either some of our heating pipes or from the outside (perhaps from the roof).
Yesterday, we cut away the offending drywall, but did not find the source of the moisture. The plastic moisture barrier over the insulation was still intact (except where I accidentally cut it) and showed no signs of moisture on the insulation side (which I could check due to my accidental cuts. Similarly, all of the studs and flooring did not show signs of water damage; although, there was some mold at the base where the damp drywall met the subfloor. There are no heating pipes in that area either (which explains why the closet can get chilly in the winter); however, now I'm not sure how the pipes get to the boys' room. In short, the damp and mildew is still a mystery. We measured out the are that I had removed and went to Home Depot to pick up supplies to fix it (we also checked out some other project materials that we could use), but we left that project for today. While working on it today, I noted that one of the wall-to-wall shelves in the closet was not cut correctly and thus did not rest properly on its supports. As it was also narrower than we would like, I made another Home Depot run to get another board for it and the one above it (which was cut fine but was even narrower). I then realized that the offending boards would be about the right size for the pantry shelves in our kitchen (which does not have enough shelves). At Home Depot, I had them professionally (and quickly) cut the new boards. Only on trying to fit them in did I realize that my measurements (which I did do twice) were apparently off by a quarter inch. After a slightly botched job using my jigsaw on one shelf (it still fits much better than the board it was replacing), Janelle had me use her circular saw on the second one. It turns out that I can screw up with that too, but not as badly. Speaking of screws, I did take the precaution of drilling and then screwing the new shelves in place--something the old shelves did not have. As long as I had the circular saw out, I used it to cut one of the older boards into the correct (if not perfect) size for the kitchen pantry. Putting in the closet shelves might have scratched up the walls a little bit, but I also did not plaster or paint the new drywall I installed (as we want to see if the damp returns first). It's in the far back corner of our most inaccessible closet, so I'm not overly concerned about how it looks at the moment. Still, we will probably need to paint it in the future. Meanwhile, I still have two shelves to put into the kitchen pantry. However, as this will require more measurements and drilling, I'm going to leave it for another day. The first couple of lines form today's Gospel reading has always been a bit problematic for me : “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me ..." (Matthew 10:37). Our pastor explained it as us putting worldly desires and pleasures ahead of our love of God.
Meanwhile, I couldn't help but think of Yoda's advice to Anakin after Anakin told Yoda about his visions of the death of a person close to him in the Revenge of the Sith: "The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. ... Rejoice for those around us who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy, the shadow of greed, that is. ...Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Now, I found Yoda's advice to not be very helpful or comforting, and it clearly doesn't work for Anakin. Still, it seems that Yoda was explaining a similar idea to Anakin that Jesus was teaching to his Apostles. Nothing in this world is permanent. Putting our faith and trust into the impermanent pieces of this world will only lead to suffering. Even those whom we love above all others will one day pass away. It is in not accepting the transitory nature of this reality that we bring ourselves greater suffering. Placing our trust (our love) in God allows us to transcend the pain and cares of our mortal world. This allows us to bear the many tragedies that befall us in life, and prepares us for the life that follows. This request of Jesus is not one of selfishness on His part, but rather a path for our own redemption. According to Matthew's Gospel, Jesus will later his Apostles to treat all people like they would treat Him. Think of this; He first tells them to love God more than anyone else in the world, and then instructs them to treat everyone they meet as if they are Him. That love, that ultimate love that He requests of us, He asks that we share with everyone. This sort of love is not the love brought through attachment, control, or ownership, but a love freely given. |
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